This has not been a banner year for writing on a blog. Worlds collided on April 19, 2012 when we had to take drastic measures to save the life and soul of our youngest child. For the first 6 weeks, we were limited to 7 minutes with her on Thursday nights at Family Support Night. Thursday's became the new Sunday...the start of a week of counting down days until we could see our baby girl again and talk with her, tell her we loved her, and give her a hug. I kept a "while you were gone" journal so that she would know what we were doing in our everyday life while she was learning how to live again. Looking back over the early entries to the journal, a definite pattern emerged: from fear, to blame, to anger, to questions, to feelings of failing our child, and slowly--s.l.o.w.l.y- insights into what we as individuals and collective members of our family needed to change and work on to become whole and healthy. As a couple we have felt so very alone. Friends have been incredibly supportive, kind, loving, generous--everything that they have absolutely needed to be for us, we are so blessed to know and love so many wonderful people--but in all reality, we have had to labor through this in a very lonely place. I can't help but think of the Savior, in the final moments of the atonement, having to face and labor through on his own...his disciples were not even able to remain watchful and awake. There are things in this earthly existence that can only be accomplished in the most private recesses of our hearts and soul, the inner battle between giving up or forging ahead in hope and faith. This is truly turning your will over to God, which is without a doubt the hardest thing that has been asked of me. As hard as this process has been for me, it is nothing compared to what has been asked of our darling, wonderful, incredible daughter. She has had to dig down deep and face head on many disturbing, horrible truths. She has had to work through and overcome fear, shame, heartbreak, pride--a body and soul damaged by the lies and manipulation of evil--and begin again to believe in God and herself. She tells me that she put herself in situations that could easily have taken her life, and then she says in all confidence that she has a purpose in life and she has been saved and protected to fulfill this purpose. Meanwhile, I feel as if my life is on hold. I work during the days and then pick up girls and host them in our home at night. We have progressed to a better, more fulfilling place with our daughter. She is allowed to come home at night and spend time with our family and go on special permission activities. She is an "oldcomer" now, with the responsibilities of looking after others that are new to the program. She counsels them, gives them feedback, helps them to understand and obey the rules and leads by example. We have many daughters now, beautiful young women who have also been damaged by events and life choices. But I remind each of them daily, and by so doing I am reminding myself as well, that they are magnificent daughters of a loving Heavenly Father who is very aware of them, their heartaches and struggles, their efforts to improve, repent, rebuild and realize their full purpose and potential. "We are daughters of a loving Heavenly Father who loves us, and we love Him." One thing that I have learned without a doubt is that I am loved by my Heavenly Father. Enough so that he is willing to leave me alone for a time as I patiently wait and wade through. "Can't go under it, can't go over it, have to go THROUGH it."
